The magic bag! The human is about to open the magic bag that seems to contain infinite food. Food JUST for me. I catch myself about to purr affectionally but reel it in just in time. The human doesn’t need to know HOW excited I am. It might think I’m easily satisfied, and then what? Before we know it, I’m no longer the natural target of all the petting business on the premises, and that won’t do.
“Lookie here, kitty. A delicious treaty-weaty for you,” the human says, and I let it slide as per usual.
“Kitty” seems to be what the humans call me. Never mind that I’m better known as the scrumptious fur-stripping-psychopath-king in the backyard.
“Woah, woah, woah,” I warn when the human only fills up half the bowl. “Better fill it to the brim if you know what’s good for your trouser legs, alright?”
“Your diet officially starts now, you chunky furball,” the human laughs cheerily and pats me on the head, clearly unaware that it’s this close to getting its stupid hand bitten off.
“A diet??? What on earth are you insinuating, Two-Legs McPasty???” I hiss. “ALL of this is muscle… and fur. Maybe a little more fur than last year, but the summer was colder. Fill. Up. My. Bowl. Now!”
The human just continues to laugh and makes a carefree dash for the living room to treat themselves to a Danish pastry. Apparently, this diet business doesn’t apply to everyone.
“Alright, then. If you want war, I’ll give you war. I see you’ve made yourself comfortable,” I growl in a tone so intimidating, I frighten myself a little bit. Woah, I am terrifying. And gorgeous. And fast. And… No, let’s stay focused on the task. REVENGE!
“Oh, are you joining me, cutie pie?” the human says nonchalantly when I jump up onto the couch. I almost pity it—ALMOST. But my food bowl is still half empty.
Without a moment’s hesitation, I commence my three-step plan. CHOMP, it says when I sink my razor-sharp teeth into the pathetic, thin skin of the human’s lower arm.
“Ha-ha, looks like someone’s in a playful mood,” the human reacts, to my surprise.
“Playful??? No, I’m in the mood to tear you to pieces!” I roar but decide to not end the pitiful human’s pathetic life and go straight to the next step instead. With an unnaturally powerful and beautiful leap, I fly towards the newly purchased palm tree and knock it over with my all-mighty paws. And THAT gets a reaction from the human who jumps out of its seat and sprints towards me.
“Yes, that’s right. Follow me, simpleton! Let yourself be foiled by my sneaky plan!” I cackle and remind myself to keep my signature cool, even in this moment of victory. After all, it is one of my trademarks.
My human follows me into the kitchen and corners me. “That’s it. You’re going outside,” it shouts as if it thinks it can catch me.
“Look down, genius,” I say coldly.
“What on earth???” The human scrunches up its nose and lifts its right leg to find my business card smeared along the sole of its slipper.
“And there’s more where that came from, so let this be a lesson. I always win. And fill up my bowl. To the MAX!”
